We all know impossible people. They tend to share three main characteristics: They cannot be reasoned with, they believe they can do no wrong, and they are convinced that everything is someone else's fault. If you haven't had some first-hand experience in dealing with such people, even a brief conversation can raise your blood pressure through the roof. These people may also be known to some as narcissists. Here are some insights and steps for dealing with these highly difficult people.

[edit] Steps

Recognize that impossible people exist; you will eventually encounter them. There isn't a thing you can do about it. The first step is all about facing reality: If you think you might be dealing with an impossible person, you're probably right. When in doubt, proceed as instructed below. The headaches you save will be your own.
Be aware that some people simply aren't compatible. Sometimes, a person who gets along with everybody else quite well is an impossible person for you personally. Most relationships between people contain many shades of gray, but some people simply mix as well as oil and water. It is common to hear your impossible person proclaim that "Everyone else likes me." This is an attempt to shift the blame to you, so don't buy it. It doesn't matter how this person interacts with others. The fact is, the way the two of you interact together is terrible. Remember that blame never changes the facts. To counter this, tell them that it is a logical fallacy, or specifically an *Ad hominem.
Understand that it's not you, it's them. This can be surprisingly difficult, considering that impossible people have complete mastery of blaming skills. If you're dealing with an impossible person, you're probably being told on a regular basis that every conceivable thing is your fault. It isn't. As the saying goes, "It takes two to tango." Chances are, the more often they blame you, the more they themselves are actually at fault. Keep in mind that this is not to be used as a way to blame them. Blaming is what impossible people do, and they do it well. Instead, you are only facing the facts, for your own sake. That being said, here's a simple way to tell: If you accept responsibility for your own faults and resolve to improve yourself, it's probably not you. Remember, impossible people can do no wrong.
Defuse them. Stay calm, and don't spit angry words at them, whatever you do don't cry - you will be giving them what they want. Give them exactly what they don't want, ignore them, don't bad talk them because then you are sinking down to their level, but look away or start another conversation, with a totally different topic, whatever you do just stay calm!
Realize that you cannot deal with impossible people the same way you deal with everyone else. In some ways, they need to be treated like children. Give up all hope of engaging these folks in any kind of reasonable conversation. It will never happen, at least with you. Remember what happened the last fifty times you tried to have a civilized discussion about the status of your relationship with this person. Chances are, every such attempt ended in you being blamed for everything. Decide now to quit banging your head against a brick wall.
Protect your self-esteem. If you have regular dealings with someone who tries to portray you as the source of all evil, you need to take active steps to maintain a positive self-image. Remind yourself that this person's opinion is not necessarily the truth. Understand that oftentimes, impossible people are particularly "fact-challenged." If the attacks have little basis in raw fact, dismiss them. You can't possibly be as bad as this person would like you to believe you are. Do not defend yourself out loud, however. It will only provoke the impossible person into another tirade.
Guard against anger. If it helps, consider the fact that your anger is actually a precious gift to the impossible person. Anything you do or say while angry will be used against you over and over again. Impossible people tend to have amazing memories, and they will not hesitate to use a nearly endless laundry list of complaints from the past against you. Five years from now, you could be hearing about the angry remark you made today (which you didn't even mean in the first place). Impossible people will seize anything that provides them the opportunity to lay blame like it was gold.
Keep your cool. When the impossible person becomes hysterical (and they probably will, as this is a common trait among their kind), immediately "turn off" any serious consideration you had been giving them. What they are saying now should be considered gibberish. As they say, "In one ear, out the other." If at all possible, simply remain silent through the whole tirade. If that requires too much discipline on your part, make sure that anything you say tends to agree with them. Humor them. Don't ask them to calm down, because you then just invite further bombast (such as "Why should I calm down?! Look what you've done this time! You're lucky I'm not angrier than I am now!").
Give up self-defense. Understand very clearly that you cannot beat these kinds of people; they're called "impossible" for a reason. In their minds, you are the source of all wrongdoing, and nothing you can say is going to make them consider your side of the story. Your opinion is of no consequence, because you are already guilty, no matter what. If you tell them that you gave a million dollars to charity, they will say that you did it because you have a guilty conscience. If you tell them you discovered the cure for cancer, they will tell you that you just wanted the attention. There is no winning. Nothing you can do will be good enough. Anything positive you say about yourself will be interpreted as boorish bragging or self-justification, and you will be promptly "smacked back down to size" by a litany of negative comments and accusations. Impossible people view it as their sacred task to make sure you don't get the idea that you are worth anything, and they will act accordingly.
Understand that eventually, you and the impossible person will have to part ways. Whether they are a friend, a boss, a parent, even a spouse, the time to leave will eventually manifest. Maintaining a relationship with an impossible person is, literally, impossible. If you can't (or won't) make a physical departure immediately, make a mental one. In your mind, you've already left the relationship. The only thing left to do is wait for physical reality to reflect that fact.
Avoid letting the impossible person make you into a "clone" of them. If you aren't careful, you could find yourself adopting much of the offender's own behavior, even if you aren't voluntarily trying. Eschew blame entirely by understanding that this is just the way the other person is. It is the way nature made them by means of their environment, upbringing, experiences and choices in life. These things define the impossible person's actions, and nothing you do can change any part of their past.
Be a manager. Until it is over, your task in the relationship is to manage the impossible person, so that he or she deals less damage to you. As a manager, your best resources are silence (it really is golden in some cases such as this), humoring the other, and abandoning all hope of "fixing" the impossible person. Impossible people do not listen to reason. They can't (and even if they could, they wouldn't). You can't convince them that they have any responsibility for the problems between you. They don't recognize (or if they did, wouldn't try to improve) their flaws for a very logical reason; they don't have any flaws. You must understand and manage this mindset without casting blame and without giving in to anger. It's far easier said than done, and you will slip from time to time, but as time goes on, you'll become a better manager.
Realize that impossible people engage in projection. Understand that you are going to be accused of much (or all) of this behavior yourself. If your impossible person gets a look at this text, to them it will look like a page about you. Prepare yourself for the fact that the impossible person's flaws and failings will always be attributed to you. Remember, in their minds, you are at fault for everything! They will have an endless supply of arguments to support this, and if you make the mistake of encouraging them, they will be more than happy to tell you why you are the impossible person, and how ironic it is that you are under the mistaken impression that it is them.
Be the opposite of them: a possible person. Live as an example of tolerance, patience, humility, and even some kindness (as difficult as that may be)--because these are all the things that the impossible person is not or not very good at. We are all influenced by the people in our environment--they don't have to be perfect all the time and neither do you. Give respect because you are human. If you don't receive respect, that's -sadly- their problem. Give understanding, and you get understanding. Ultimately this sort of behavior is probably the only thing that might possibly get through to them. They may not change in everything, but you can safely expect a difference.
Recognize that they cut off or are cut off. Generally, impossible people have cut off relationships from many people: their in-laws, their own family of origin, friends, etc. This has happened because people distance from impossible people or impossible people have cut off others. Impossible people have a victim mentality: everyone is out to hurt them or has hurt them. The impossible person may have moved from job to job because “everyone else was incompetent” or “they didn’t appreciate me.” Unfortunately, sometimes the impossible person is your boss. If so, you won’t be able to do anything right. You may have had stellar reviews from prior bosses, but this one can see nothing positive in your performance. If so, look elsewhere within your organization or find another job altogether.

[edit] Tips

Important: If you care about the person in question and have a long-standing relationship with them, try to get them to seek help. We're all in the same boat, ultimately, just to lesser degrees. The author of the below has clearly been hurt by a person that they were unable to help, but this does not mean that the person was untreatable. You, ultimately, must make the choice about how much to commit -- but please at least make an effort. We're here to help each other, not to insulate ourselves.
Also note that all of us exhibit some of these personality "disorders" to some degree. It's just a question of how you define "normal". Obviously, there are extremes -- but let's not go overboard.
Ways to detect if you're dealing with someone with a personality disorder:
- People either really love the person or really hate him/her (the former may even be the majority, in which case you may feel "crazy" or begin doubting your judgment);
- You, and everyone else, note the person's "oversensitivity" and feel like you must walk on eggshells around that person;
- The person rarely, or never, accepts responsibility for his/her own actions;
- The person talks behind people's backs all the time and tries to pit people against each other, causing rifts (or splits);
- The person appears unable to see the "grey area" in people--people are either good or bad (and one little thing can toss someone into their "bad books");
- The person over-compliments you or other people all the time (tries to create alliances);
- The person has trouble with personal or professional boundaries (overshares, pries, dresses inappropriately, etc.);
- The person has trouble holding an opinion--many people with personality disorders don't possess their own "personality" and you will see their opinions shift according to their environment;
- The person is highly influenced by external, environmental factors--their mood is a barometer based on goes on around them (for example, they interpret someone looking at them askew and it "ruins their day", but then someone compliments them and they are suddenly having "the best day ever", but then they misplace their keys, and their "day is ruined", etc.);
- The person might complain about having trouble "being alone" or perpetually feeling "empty";
- Drama always surrounds the person because the person creates it and constantly lives in a state of chaos. Sound brutal? It is. So be sure to bail on that situation ASAP.
The person refrains from any type of communication - like a spoiled child - for hours or days. Sometimes you may not even be aware of what caused the person to stop communicating.
If you think you might be an impossible person yourself (or you have become one with regard to the other person), realize just how awful you are being and try to improve yourself. Then again, if you are really an impossible person, you won't even recognize yourself here. To you, this page will be all about "the other guy." For the incorrigible impossible person, everything is always about "the other guy." If you're reading this page and thinking "Hey, that sounds just like [insert name of person you blame for everything]," you're probably one of the people we are talking about here (although you could never admit it).
If nothing else helps, resolve to treat your experiences with impossible people as valuable life lessons. Realize that after dealing with them for a while, getting along with everyone else will be a cakewalk. You are getting a free education in how to deal with the most difficult people out there. Although it is unpleasant now, the lessons you learn are going to be invaluable later in life.
It may also help to call a spade a spade and realize that you are dealing with an emotional abuser. More helpful information can be found in literature on that topic.
Recognize that, in the aftermath of a relationship with such a person, you may have some trouble relating normally with 'normal' people. Explain your involvement with this person and that it is now in your past, and seek their help in overcoming lingering feelings of self-doubt, bouts of low confidence, uncertainty, etc., that are the residual effects of years spent with an impossible person.
If you're having trouble coping, seek therapy. Keep in mind that therapy doesn't always involve sitting down in front of a psychiatrist, clinical social worker or psychologist. Do that if you need to, but don't hesitate to create your own forms of therapy as well. Journaling can be good, or (for example), you may even find therapeutic value in writing or editing a WikiHow about dealing with impossible people.
Consider responding with kindness. Be kind and friendly to them. Now, don't wait on them hand and foot, as they will usually immediately take advantage of this, but treat them like you would a good acquaintance or a friend. Everyone wants attention from others, and usually these people couldn't get any positive attention during the major course of their life, so they instead act like a jerk to receive negative attention (but to them, through the negativity at least people now notice them). If they are wanting friendship, but don't know how to get it, and you are friendly to them, then they will appreciate what you are doing, and, best-case scenario, they will change. If they are just natural jerks who love to make others mad, then what you are doing will enrage them because they can't figure out how to make you mad, and eventually they will leave you alone. Kindness is always the key, even if it is insanely difficult to perform in various situations.
That being said, be careful about using kindness- you don't want to end up rewarding someone who is abusive towards you, or it will encourage more abuse (example- they yell at you to do something that is their job; you weren't going to do it, but decide to be kind and do it- this person now "learns" that they can get their way with you by bullying you).
Some impossible people will see your kindness as a willingness to do any favor they ask. When this happens, kindly and regretfully decline, citing your reasons for denial. Do not lie; it is better to be vague about your reasons. Lying, if discovered, will exacerbate your problems with this person (since, as stated above, they can simply pull your lie years later as more "evidence" for "blame" on you).
Don't disagree with them; find ways to be agreeable even if they are wrong. When they tell you that you donated the money for attention or whatever else, you can say that they might be right (unless, of course, your agreement leads to your downfall, such as your boss telling you that you are wrong and should have a payment reduction). Agreeing with impossible people sidetracks their steam as they realize that whatever they say you will agree with, as they continually look for arguments. Tell them "You are 100% right" or "I agree." You could even add humor and smile a bit as you agree with them, not so much for them as to keep you yourself at a low and patient level, away from falling back into anger and fuelling them even more.
Note that the most healthy way to deal with an impossible person is to remove that person from your environment. Do not torture yourself by exposing yourself to a destructive person. Do not put up with it. You are worth more than that. Remember that you cannot "fix" this person.

[edit] Warnings

Make sure you do not make impossible people angry; although they (of course) "have no temper" sometimes and are "reasonable to everybody," the fact is that if you enrage them, they will blow their stack like you can't believe. Your own moments of frustration with them will pale in comparison. Don't give them a reason. Instead, treat them like patients or children, but do it subtly (in such a way that they can't lash out at you for being "condescending"). This takes practice, but it is a social skill worth developing.
If for some reason, you are able to convince impossible people with irrefutable evidence that they (and they alone) are at fault, then there is a possibility that they will completely "crash" in the other direction, expressing the belief that if they are not 50% right, then they must be 100% wrong all the time. This is a coping mechanism of theirs which attempts to encourage others around them to feel sympathy for them and build them back up.
Never tell others how you feel about this person. If the person, to whom you tell about the impossible behaviour of this impossible person, shares the same views as you have, then it is quite possible that this person might spread the chat you had with him/her. Then, when it reaches the ears of the impossible person in this case, regardless of the media by which this knowledge reaches him, he will make every possible attempt to degrade your image, because then he will know who started it.
Protect your privacy! Impossible people will use any information on your personal life however small as a trumph card against you. They can spin stories about you to other people (especially those close to you both) on a simple comment you made over lunch. Since they are specialists in manipulation, they are very good at making you talk. Impossible people are good at seeming normal, and unless you are very convinced of who you are and where you stand in relation to the slight madness of this person, there will be times where you think "hey, she's not so bad after all. I guess I could tell her what I am going trough these days...." BIG MISTAKE. It will come back to you when you least expect it, in the most dirty and manipulative way. Things shared in confidence late night at the office between the two of you can be used in an ice cold analysis in front of the whole company in a moment where the impossible person needs to get on top of you. He/she will spare no information to prove to others how well they know you, and such know what the best way to "handle" you is.
NEVER confront an impossible person with the fact that they are the chief source of the problem. You will unleash a flood of denial and blame in failing to keep it to yourself (or you can tell it to others, but definitely not personal friends, as stated above—perhaps a blog under an online alias can help, for example).
Be careful with non-verbal gestures, as they may bring about misconceptions.
Do not attempt to make any physical contact with the person; a mere pat on the back may aggravate even the most mild-mannered impossible person.
Don't show this page (or any other similar advice) to impossible people in an attempt to convince them of how difficult they are. Again (and it bears repeating), you can't convince them of diddly-squat. Any attempt whatsoever to do so will only result in you getting blasted with another tirade, which will create more resentment against you and compound the problem.*Remember:You're not the impossible one.
Make sure you are not being impossible before attempting the above steps and tips. You may injure yourself.
Know when to say goodbye. If this relationship has worn you down, or if you feel this person is impulsive enough to be dangerous to you, even if only in terms of continual emotional battery, let them go. Cut off the relationship as soon as it's practical and possible, and refuse any further contact. The impossible person will attempt to make contact, perhaps a number of times - if you decline, they will bait you, insult you, talk to your friends about you, take any bit of gossip they hear about you and run with it, etc. You must resist the temptation to engage this person - ever again. If you have a mutual friend who wants to share info on the impossible person, say, "You know what, I think I'd rather not hear about her/him. I've moved on."
Many who feel that others are impossible, are often the impossible one themselves, but have too much of a slanted view to admit or understand the truth.
While we, the authors, hope this article is informative, please do not use it as a substitute for professional therapy or counseling. Because of the nature of WikiHow, some suggestions may be contradictory or even harmful. Do diligent and careful research in many places (online AND offline) to really understand people issues. Don't expect to read for 5 minutes and become an expert on analysis.